Those Damn Pickup Lines
by DivineProjectZero
Summary: Series of oneshots regarding pickup lines. Chapter Four. Kida attempts to lose his and Mikado's virginity with the aid of pickup lines. The weird thing is that it seems to work.
1. Earthquake

I was so totally inspired by a disclaimer I put up some time ago, that I had to write it :P

**Summary:** Masaomi decides to practice pickup lines on Mikado, when an earthquake comes and shakes everything up.

**Disclaimer:** DRRR is mine? Really? ...Dang it, I knew it was too good to be true.

* * *

"My love for you is like diarrhea! I can barely hold it in!"

"That one is a little too gross for any romantic development."

"Were you arrested earlier? I'm sure it's illegal to be that beautiful!"

"You're planning to accuse a pedestrian of a non-existent crime?"

"You know what? Your eyes are the same color as my Porsche!"

"Masaomi, you don't even have a driver's license, let alone a car."

"If you were the new burger at McDonald's, you'd be the McGorgeous!"

"It's impolite to compare a person to fast food. Especially when that's definitely junk food."

"If this street if the meat market, you are surely the prime rib!"

"…Just because you took out the junk food part doesn't make it any more appropriate to turn someone into something you can take a bite out of, Masaomi."

"Are you accepting applications for your fan club?"

"I hope you know what the concept of a cliché is."

"Want to see my hard drive? I promise it isn't 3.5 inches and it isn't floppy!"

"Huh?...Oh."

Mikado nodded, then paused.

"Wait."

Then his brain started to process the pickup line his best friend had just "practiced" on him.

"..WHAT?"

And he finally caught the rather blunt innuendo his friend had just said.

"Masaomi! Tha, that was ha-hardly, n-no, _definitely_ not appropriate! You can't, ab, ab, absolutely not! Not! Say that t-to a random girl you've never met before!"

By now Mikado's face was red, he was tripping over his own words, and he was standing with the chair he had knocked over on the floor behind him. Masaomi sighed and glanced out the classroom window briefly. It was getting a little late, and hunting seemed like an unlikely option now. He turned back to his very embarrassed (and so very cute due to that blush) friend.

"Mikado~, you're totally taking out the fun of all my wonderful quotes that will sweep the ladies off their feet! Why are you evaluating each and every line in the first place?" Masaomi complained.

"Well, why did you ask to practice with me in the first place?" Mikado shot back.

"I just wanted to have a good rehearsal so that I wouldn't let any ladies down, but now you're just analyzing it all!" Masaomi pouted. "It's not fun."

Mikado was about to give a cold retort when the entire building started to shake. Mikado lost his balance (which was a bad sign since that meant the floor was shaking _badly_) and fell backwards. He had scrunched his eyes shut in preparation for his head having a rough rendezvous with the floor, but his fall wasn't that bad at all. In fact, he had collided with something much softer—

Mikado opened his eyes.

"…Masaomi?"

Apparently, his friend had saved him in the nick of time and had caught Mikado's head right before he hit the floor. Which thus led to the following, very awkward situation: Mikado on the floor with his head cradled in Masaomi's right hand, Masaomi's left hand on the floor by Mikado's side, Masaomi's legs intertwined with Mikado's, and their faces very, very close together. Mikado's breath hitched momentarily as he stared into honey orbs, and he saw Masaomi's lips open, close, a tongue flick over (Mikado's breathing hitched again, and did his heart just skip a beat?) those lips, and then an Adam's apple bob as the owner of those very moist lips swallowed.

No. Mikado mentally slapped himself. He was _not_ aroused by watching his best friend do a very ordinary (albeit very erotic) act.

Mikado was trying to rip his gaze from his best friend's lips when Masaomi spoke:

"Was that an earthquake or did you just rock my world?"

...Those damn pickup lines.

"Earthquake," Mikado deadpanned.

Masaomi chuckled, and Mikado noticed a slight tremble in the usual light laughter.

"Masaomi?"

"Naa, Mikado. Did it hurt?"

Mikado assumed that he was talking about their previous fall that they had gone through. Speaking of said fall, they were still in the very awkward position that was making Mikado wish he were very far away from Masaomi right now.

"No, you just caught me so I'm fi—"

"No," Masaomi breathed. "I mean, did it hurt when you fell from heaven?"

Mikado didn't know whether he should kill Masaomi or kiss him.

"Your pickup lines _suck_!" Mikado nearly growled.

"Sorry," Masaomi grinned. "But I really mean them when I say them to you."

The world stopped for a few seconds.

"…Even the one about the hard drive and the McDonalds one?" Mikado raised an eyebrow, silently hoping his heartbeat that had suddenly decided to go wild was not being felt by Masaomi.

"Of course!" Masaomi beamed.

"You really need to tone down the weirdness of those lines, because I'm not falling for any of those."

"Well then," Masaomi smiled. A hint of anxiety twitched in a dimple.

"I'm not a knight in shining armor on a white stallion, but I'm your best friend who has been in love with you for the past nine years. Will you please date me, Mikado?"

Mikado looked up at Masaomi for a few seconds before he grudgingly let out his approval.

"…That's better."

Then he pulled Masaomi in for a kiss.

* * *

I looked up the pickup lines on Google, ha! I have some more stories revolving around pickup lines planned, so look forward to updates!

Reviews are appreciated! Please let me know what you like/dislike.


	2. Perfectly Normal

**Summary:** Kida's pickup lines have finally worked on a girl! But she's not exactly who he's talking to...

**Warnings:** OC appears because I love her and no DRRR character would work it out. Plus sexual themes are suggested.

**Disclaimer:** DRRR the anime would already be cranking into its second season if I owned it.

* * *

It started out seeming like a perfectly normal day in Ikebukuro.

The sun was shining, the streets were crowded, and school was over. Heiwajima Shizuo was flinging vending machines at a laughing informant. Kida Masaomi was hunting for girls. Ryugamine Mikado was, once again, sighing as his blonde friend attempted, and marvelously failed every single time, to charm a girl into a civil conversation. And as all perfectly normal days went, Kida Masaomi's choice of language was on the bottom of the list for civil things to do. So poor Mikado watched another daily ritual, where Masaomi just had to get himself slapped across the face by a girl, with a roll of his eyes and a pitiful sigh. Honestly, his friend would never learn.

So Mikado checked the time and calculated the rate at which Masaomi earned a worse and worse reputation from the girls in the park. After reaching a satisfactory result of Masaomi being turned down by a girl every 3.5 minutes, Mikado safely estimated that he and his friend would be allowed to call it a day and go home in approximately twenty minutes. Which meant about six more girls to go. Perfectly normal.

So Masaomi, being the persistent boy he was, rubbed his cheek awhile before approaching another poor girl who had been unlucky enough to stand alone nearby the infamous hunter of Ikebukuro. He then proceeded to give a ridiculous speech about how her eyes were as bright as fluorescent lights and her hair was as dark as oil and other statements that made Mikado vaguely wonder if girl-hunting was just an excuse to insult every female in the park in the most indecent manner possible. Oh well, even those insults disguised as compliments (or was it the other way around?) were part of the perfectly normal routine, so Mikado didn't really care.

That is, until the girl who was being victimized smiled and laughed.

Mikado stared. Laugh? Did that girl just _laugh_ at what Masaomi said? And it wasn't the cynical, sarcastic this-poor-punk-doesn't-know-what-he's-talking-about type of laugh. It was pure laughter filled with genuine mirth void of any ill intent. Was she deaf? Maybe a little mentally challenged? Or maybe she didn't know Japanese! That must be it. She could easily be Chinese or Korean or Vietnamese, or maybe even a girl from Japanese descent who had grown up in another country!

But Mikado's frantic reasoning immediately evaporated when the girl started talking to his best friend in undeniably fluent Japanese. Not even an accent. And judging by the content of what she said, she was intelligent enough to understand what Masaomi had said earlier. Actually, the content of what she just said was a suggestion that they go to a café and get some drinks and socialize. In short, Kida Masaomi had just picked up a girl. In a single word, it was a miracle.

Today was far from a perfectly normal day.

* * *

Mikado, Kida, and the girl, who introduced herself as Kashimoto Miyuki, were all sitting at a table in a café that had air conditioning on at full blast. Mikado shivered. This was as weird as being abducted by an alien, but since this city already had a Dullahan maybe aliens were not very far from weird in the first place. Mikado pondered about what would possibly be a good metaphor or simile that would convey the level of weirdness of this situation.

Like, it was as weird as Orihara Izaya getting on his knees and proposing marriage to Heiwajima Shizuo in the middle of the street.

And Shizuo accepts. Gracefully.

Yeah, that level of weirdness would work. Mikado shuddered and pushed the imagery far from his mind. He was going to end up with nightmares if he didn't forget that idea quickly. Or he was going to have nightmares with him sitting with a cup of juice in his hand watching his best friend hit it off with a girl who actually was pretty and also seemingly smart and humorous. Oh, he was so not jealous.

"Wow, Kida-kun! I'm surprised that I'm only the twenty-third girl you tried to pick up today. Should I say that I am very flattered?" The girl grinned without a trace of sarcasm.

"Please say so, because I am the prince and knight of all damsels, and I am a very busy man awaiting the call of four other princesses who I have knelt down and asked for a date! I hope you're honored to spend the little time I have with you!" declared the blonde with dramatic gestures and a bucketful of narcissism. Mikado shook his head. Even though Masaomi had somewhat miraculously gotten invited into a conversation, he was going to get kicked out of it. Soon.

"Then I guess I'm very honored!" she beamed. "I was watching you for a while and I wanted to talk to you. You're really interesting, you know."

Maybe not.

"Why, thank you!" Masaomi recovered from a split second's worth of shock (even _he_ knew how bad he could get) and gallantly did a mini-bow. "You are one of the rare deities who have been lucky enough to notice my skill!"

"It's not that I'm particularly lucky though," the Kashimoto girl said after taking a sip of her coffee. "I was just a little observant. Physically, you are quite attractive. Plus, if people took notice to your speeches, they'd notice that you're not dumb. It's your flashy attitude and rather crude choice of speech that repels others, but if you watch closely enough, it's just a façade. You're smart and you have manners. Your flashy attitude is only exaggerated performance that is meant to impress others, but you know how to make people comfortable. Overall, you're cool."

Masaomi smiled, the flamboyant attitude dissolved into a gentler one. "Thank you."

Mikado felt his stomach turn over a little. This wasn't very good. Kida Masaomi was enjoying the appreciation. And this appreciation was very accurately based on careful observation. It was pretty much everything that Mikado felt about his friend whenever they came on these hunting expeditions. This girl had completely understood the good nature of his friend in a single day! Plus, said girl was very pretty (Mikado had to admit that), amiable, and smart enough to analyze someone easily. She was also the same age as they were. Mikado swallowed his juice to comfort his throat, which had become very dry all of the sudden. He glanced at Masaomi. Would he be attracted to this girl?

Mikado hoped not. His stomach was queasy, and he knew the juice had little to do with it. He knew full well why his stomach was in such an uproar. Although it was a term foreign to his tongue because the concept never really had been introduced to his mind before, Mikado knew jealousy when he felt it. Oh sure, Masaomi always hit on girls. But Mikado had never really been _jealous_ of any of them. Of course, the things that Masaomi said to Sonohara-san and other girls often made Mikado squirm, and the attention Masaomi poured to other women was irritating in every right, but that was it. Nobody reciprocated to the famous Casanova and nobody took him seriously. Nobody really appreciated him fully other than Mikado and Sonohara-san, and that was fine because the latter had no love interest in said-Casanova and the former was said-Casanova's boyfriend. Mikado was Masaomi's boyfriend. Consequently, this made Masaomi into Mikado's boyfriend. Mikado wasn't jealous when they rightfully belonged to each other and nobody bothered to interfere with their relationship. There was no reason to be.

Yet now a very attractive girl had shown interest in Masaomi, and there was a chance that Masaomi would be drawn to this girl because Masaomi always had loved girls in the first place. Mikado had never been jealous before, because there was nobody to be jealous of anyways, even before the two friends had updated their status to lovers.

But Mikado had always been a little afraid.

Masaomi had been so blatantly interested in girls since their childhood years that Mikado secretly gave up on his early-discovered love for his best friend long ago. He had been surprised when Masaomi was the first to reveal himself, holding Mikado close and whispering that he had loved Mikado for so long. Mikado trusted Masaomi. They were best friends and even, well, lovers. Still, Mikado wasn't sure if Masaomi would always stick with him. He never really had to compete against someone for Masaomi's attention before, and what if his best friend really preferred girls? Did he stand a chance? Would they really remain as a couple no matter what? After all, Masaomi still went to hit on girls, which was out of habit, but was it really? Could it be possible that Mikado was only a substitute that would be laid off as soon as a suitable girlfriend appeared? Besides, they had never had, err, any _sexually intimate_ encounters yet. No groping, no blowjobs, no _nothing_. The maximum limit was kissing and tongue and pressed bodies that yearned for friction. And they had been dating for over _an entire month_. Mikado realized this and suddenly wished he could bang his head into the nearest concrete surface possible.

"If I could be anything, I'd love to be your bathwater."

Huh?

Mikado snapped out of his reverie of self-pity to look at Masaomi. During his mental analysis of their relationship status Mikado had vaguely heard Kashimoto-san suggest to Masaomi that he tell her some of his pickup lines, because they were the source of his failures. She was personally interested in them and would be glad to help in improvement. So Masaomi had started to fling his disastrous pickup lines to Kashimoto-san, who must have a mentality of iron because her facial expression didn't change even a bit when the catastrophic lines was hurled at her. Mikado gaped at Masaomi, but the appalling pickup line (that thing was defined as a pickup line? What the hell was the definition of "pickup line" these days?) wasn't the only reason Mikado was gawking at his best friend-slash-boyfriend.

The casual foot on his leg was.

Somehow Kida Masaomi had taken off one of his shoes and had slyly slid his foot, clad in a white sock, over to touch Mikado's shin. Apparently nobody else in the café noticed, since nobody was looking their way and Kashimoto-san didn't have superpowers that allowed her to see through the table. Masaomi kept his eyes on the girl opposite of him as his left foot slowly pressed against Mikado's leg, since Mikado was sitting on the right side of Masaomi. The girl nodded and told Masaomi to go on. The toes wriggled under the cover of the sock, as if to tickle Mikado.

_What the hell?_

"I may not be a genie but I can make your dreams come true."

The foot was inching upwards, causing a peculiar sensation to spread through Mikado's entire body. He nervously glanced at the girl opposite of them, hoping she didn't notice what was going on beneath the table. Apparently she didn't, since she merely cracked a smile and told Masaomi to continue.

"What has 142 to teeth and holds back the Incredible Hulk? My zipper."

Mikado let out a strangled sound at that statement, while Kashimoto Miyuki just laughed and shifted her position. Ironically enough, Kida Masaomi had also altered his position as he said that line, causing Mikado to let out the sound as if he had been hit in the stomach.

Masaomi's right hand was on Mikado's thigh now.

"Does your boyfriend know where you are?"

His tone was still playful, but it had dropped down a notch. Masaomi kept his eyes trained on the girl's, but nimble fingers stroking across the thigh made it painfully aware who Masaomi was really talking to. The seductive quality was barely there, in the bottom of Kida Masaomi's voice, but Mikado heard it, _felt it _as the hand moved a little upwards as it stopped to rest again on his thigh. The hand squeezed, and Mikado willed an oncoming blush to not arrive. His body was drained of that gut-wrenching fear now, but instead filled with a warm pleasant heat that should get the _hell out of his body before his pants become a little uncomfortable!_ Mikado unconsciously bit his lip as he mentally commanded his body to empty itself of the sudden hormonal rampage.

The hand moved upwards once again, closer than comfort, as Masaomi grinned and breathed out his next line.

"Roses are red,"

The hand was so close—

"Violets are blue,"

His voice was dangerously low and _why was it so sexy all of the sudden_—

"How would you like it if I came home with you?"

Mikado bit down hard to make sure he didn't let out a whimper.

"Well then," Kashimoto-san clapped her hands together, "my advice is that you don't make your advances too rash, and that you leave out sexual innuendos. It would increase your success rate nicely."

She rose from her seat as she said her farewell; she had an appointment to go to. As she made her way to the exit, she turned around with a grin.

"Of course, that's if you _want_ to increase your success rate with girls. I think the innuendo's do nicely for your boyfriend there."

Then she waved and went off.

Mikado stared at the exit she had left through. Masaomi checked the time. It was twenty minutes past the time that Mikado had last checked his phone for the time. It was just the right time to head for home. Masaomi lifted an eyebrow.

"So Mikado."

Mikado turned, the bright red complexion not showing any signs of fading away soon. Masaomi beamed.

"So will you take me up on my offer and let me come home with you?"

* * *

These oneshots might not be all in chronological order, but they all belong in the same universe (so they might be somewhat related). No overall plot though.

Kashimoto Miyuki is a random OC, but I figured that there was no other female DRRR character that Kida could hit on safely and have no repurcussions. She might come along again if I need her.

So please tell me what you like and what you don't! And correct me if there are any mistakes please.. (gahhh first time I ever used a blatantly sexual word aaaaaaa blowjob aaaaaaaahhhh well smut will come sooner or later)

Oh yeah, I have a poll going on right now so visit my profile page please? It's a poll about my two earlier fics P.S. I Love You and Replacing You, and I want you to tell me if you want a sequel from these two in a combined universe!


	3. Lucky

I've decided that these oneshots are in chronological order after all :)

**Summary:** Kida is hitting on a girls again, but all the girls he meets today are just not who he thinks they are.

**Warnings:** Sexual themes implied and bunch of swearing. OC again. Plus some major digression from plot today.

**Disclaimer:** I own DRRR only under the condition that cats can fly and horses can breathe underwater.

* * *

The lesson of the day: DO NOT USE SEX APPEAL COMBINED WITH CUCUMBERS ON A CHICK WITH HIGH HEELS.

Kida Masaomi etched the hard-earned lesson onto his heart as he let out a groan/whimper/something-pathetic-enough-to-remind-a-passerby-of-a-drunk-salesman. His stomach felt like a balloon that had been punctured with a blunt pen, and he had lifted his shirt just to check if blood was oozing out of where the heel had made contact with his abs. Shit, the chick would send some of his ex-gang members down the drain to hell if she felt like it. Kida decided to let feisty blonds off his radar for a couple weeks; being sent to the ER was something he would prefer to avoid.

Nonetheless, he quickly straightened up to locate his next chick, who would definitely have the darkest hair and plainest clothes and flattest flats (no, he meant the shoes!) out of all the women within 500 meters from him. Maybe his standards for a chick had become a little to stifling, but hey, better than getting a puncture in the lungs and a concussion via high heels, right? Hopefully, a girl who met the status quo would magically solidify before him so that he wouldn't have to squander his time on the streets in search of _any_ girl to pick up.

Kida doubted that such miraculous luck would happen today: the unluckiest of unlucky days. He had woken up five minutes late, and ended up three minutes late for class… and had gotten detention for it! That teacher was one serious bastard, the teen grinded his teeth at the unfair treatment. Kida perfectly eradicated other memories regarding incidents, such as not having done any homework for said teacher and also trying to hit on the wife of said teacher (hey, she looked a lot younger than her age you know), that would have added to the list of reasons why he had served detention in the first place. But that really didn't matter. Anyways, during lunch period, Mikado and Anri had been conversing between themselves without paying much attention to Kida's antics—which included some acrobatic attempt that ended up with the blonde with his back on the ground, a headache ringing his ears, and his ass in the air. Not in the sexy way. Then, he had spent an hour in the nurse's office with no beautiful nurse but the muscular PE teacher (why of all times did _that_ period have to be sex ed?) to guard his side. After his spectacular return to the classroom, which nobody acknowledged anyways, Kida had simply waited for school to end so that he could hang out with Mikado, his best friend. A.k.a. boyfriend.

Said boyfriend had politely told him, with a kind smile, that he had to go help out a friend so please have a good time and no he was not sarcastic and no he was not at all sick of hanging out with Masaomi because all Masaomi did was pick up girls even though his boyfriend was standing there thank you very much you indecent bastard for your sensitivity. And so his boyfriend had proceeded to walk off, leaving Kida Masaomi dumbfounded in front of Raira Academy.

Yes, a very bad day indeed. Kida grumbled.

"Oi, Kida!"

The blonde's head automatically jerked around to face two girls, both with black hair and flat heels (bingo!). The one who had addressed him, however, was not a bingo.

"...Oh."

Shit.

"'Oh' is all you can give me? You are impossibly creative, Kida Masaomi."

Kashimoto Miyuki was back.

This was Kida's third time meeting her, and in normal circumstances, consecutive meetings with an intelligent beauty should have been counted as something similar to a miracle. However, the miraculous façade was ripped off during the second acquaintance a week ago, when the girl had revealed a personality possibly more, if not less, malicious than the one of Orihara Izaya. And that was pretty scary.

"Where's Mikado? Did he finally kick your ass goodbye, or maybe he kissed it?"

The snickering brunette, who had been such a sweet girl the first day he met her, had cornered him last week_. I know you were the _shogun_ of the Yellow Scarves_, she had said with a weapon at his throat (why the hell a _shuriken_? Was she a ninja?). Apparently she had been stalking him—shit, another Harima Mika?—for a few weeks, which explained why the hell she knew so much about him the first day they met. Ugh.

"I really liked your personality the first time we met," Kida groaned. He had enough tact to ignore the previous question she had asked.

Miyuki frowned, "Too bad. I was supposed to be undercover that day. I mean, I was like such a cute little bitch I wanted to puke."

Ouch. She had a really sharp tongue. The unnamed friend behind her flinched.

"That wasn't nice, Kashimoto-san," the friend murmured.

"Nah, he's fine with it… Which reminds me, this is Kida Masaomi. Kida, this is Tachibana Akira."

The newly introduced brunette bowed quickly to Kida, and he took her in with a precursory glance that all males somehow master during their puberty years. Jet black hair in a single braid, fair-skinned, lean, glasses with a silver frame, big eyes, and a very decent sense of fashion. And very approvable flats (not to mention her bust was nothing compared to Anri-chan, but he could live with that). Kida nodded and flashed a smile before he glanced at the other female, who he was never going to check out under any sort of circumstances ever again.

"Friend?"

"Very much so. She's just a student after all."

Which should mean that this friend was not a blade-wielding maniac who collected information via stalking and called Orihara Izaya a "friendly fucker who needs a stick up his ass" all the while smiling, which was Kida's mental profile of Kashimoto Miyuki. So this friend was a safe civilian.

"So apart from being sexy, what do you do for a living?"

Which meant Kida had no qualms against hitting on her like he was born to do so (and maybe he was).

"You're hitting on girls without your boyfriend?" Miyuki raised an eyebrow. "How chivalrous of you."

Kida took his eyes off the blushing girl to briefly glare at the shorthaired brunette. She looked vaguely amused. "I'm not cheating on him. I'm just trying to talk to some girls. Jeez."

Then he redirected his focus on the brunette with a braid hanging down her back, blushing like… like someone somewhat familiar. Kida suddenly felt an inexplicable urge to hug the girl. Instead, he opened his mouth.

"You might not be the most beautiful girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away."

Damn his mouth and his pickup lines.

"We're not even _in_ indoors," Miyuki groaned, her voice muffled by the palm she had buried her face in. Her friend had lowered her head and was shaking. Wait, shaking? Uh oh, Kida felt his body temperature drop a notch. She wasn't crying, was she…?

"I mean, if looks could kill, you'd be a weapon of mass destruction, you know."

Kida quickly tried to correct his mistake, though he was not sure what the mistake was, with another lame pickup line and gesticulations. Miyuki rolled her eyes as the poor victimized—and surely traumatized—girl crouched down and hid her face behind her hands. By the way she was quivering, the Tachibana girl looked like she was going to start wailing. Kida wanted to panic, but he didn't allow himself to show any of it (and why was this all so faintly familiar?).

"Ouch, insult to injury," Miyuki jeered, "you had to rub that in huh?"

"It was a compliment!" Kida defended himself

"Oh yeah? You had no idea about the double meaning in that one, huh?" Miyuki counterattacked.

The argument was silenced as the girl, who was now shaking so pitifully that bypassing individuals were glancing at the sight, started to emit some short erratic noises. Kida Masaomi cursed his luck today. Of all things, making girls tear up were not in his thing!

"Look, I'm sorry!" He apologized profusely. "Please, calm down and…"

Kida stopped talking when the sounds got louder, and his eyes got wider. She wasn't sobbing.

She was laughing.

"By the way," Miyuki decided to add in, "it's not a she."

Kida felt like Heiwajima Shizuo had wiped him out with a clean upper cut. He let his jaw drop to stammer out the most illogical, ridiculous nonsense he had ever uttered in his life: "Mikado?"

The fake "Tachibana whatever-her-name-was" lowered her-his hands to reveal a rather smug face. _His boyfriend's smug face! _Kida let his tongue roll on autopilot.

"How- wait, why did he-no but, seriously?"

Mikado grinned and explained, no longer using a false high tone that he had barely keeping up during his disguise, "Well, Kashimoto-san is experienced with disguise (perhaps a part of the ninja repertoire?), she and Karisawa-san helped me dress up and all. They were just helping me out, so don't go ahead and think that it's their fault, Masaomi."

"Helping _you _out?" Kida asked. "How is dressing you up in a skirt helping you out? And why did _she_ help you?" He was indicating Miyuki.

She shrugged, "I'm a charitable person."

There were so many things wrong with this situation that Kida didn't know where to start. Good lord, did Mikado have a kink for dressing up as the opposite gender? Was that why the number of times they had slept together was still not even in the positive range? Well, not that Kida had anything against it, really. The look actually suited Mikado. The long hair (was that wig made out of real hair?), plaited skirt that reached his knees, the thin-rimmed glasses… Oh crap, maybe it wasn't such a bad idea after all.

"Masaomi," Mikado said in that tone which implied he knew what Kida was thinking, and that whatever Kida was thinking was terribly wrong, "I did this because of you."

"_Hai?_" Kida gave up and let his brain collapse.

"What he means is," Miyuki is kind enough to explain, "He is sick of watching you drool after other girls, so he tried dressing up as one so that you'll own up like a man who has balls and be a loyal boyfriend. Now, if you will excuse me, I have business to attend to."

The two boys were left by themselves, in the middle of Ikebukuro, facing each other with beet red complexions. Mikado glanced around furtively before he called Kida's name. Kida shook his head out of his trance, a shock-induced state he had entered thanks to the alpha female's verbal abuse and its implications, to look at his boyfriend who did not look very much like a boyfriend anymore.

"Um, Masaomi, p-people are staring at us…" Mikado squirmed a little.

"Well, uh, yeah…"

"Can we, er, go to my place?"

Taking Kida's numb nod as a yes, Mikado took Kida's hand (and grimly noted that nobody stared, much in contrast to when so many people would stare and whisperwhen they held hands and it was clear that both were boys) to go home.

* * *

Kashimoto Miyuki swung around a corner into a dark alleyway. A lean figure leaning on the wall greeted her casually, "charitable, eh?"

With an equally amiable demeanor, Miyuki flipped the opponent off. "Hey, he threatened to sic the entire Dollars on me if I didn't help him. And didn't I tell you to stop sticking your nose into other people's business, Orihara?"

Orihara Izaya grinned. "But it's just too fun…"

She narrowed her eyes. "Back off, Orihara. I want them to get along. We don't need a war."

A Cheshire cat's grin hid very sharp teeth. "We'll see about that."

* * *

Kida found himself and Mikado sitting on the floor of Mikado's shabby apartment, facing each other in silence for about ten minutes. He licked his lips, which felt so chapped all of the sudden, and started to talk.

"Okay, so… You dressed up to seduce me?"

"Wha..!" Mikado's face flushed instantly. "No! I mean, well—yes, sort of. But that wasn't really the point!"

After an interlude of silence and heavy breathing on Mikado's part, Mikado started over.

"Well, I guess I was jealous of all the girls you talked to, when, you know, you took me to pick up girls? I know it's just a habit of yours and you're not serious about it, but still… I thought maybe, I wasn't enough for you. Besides, I am a guy after all, and that's why we can't be really, um, open about our relationship. So I felt a little… nervous. Especially since, you, erm, never. Uh, we never, did _it_ before? So I thought maybe you'd prefer me like this and—"

Mikado's face was getting redder by the second as he spoke, and his voice started to shake along with his shoulders. His eyes stayed focused on a particular spot on the floor as if he had decided to become best buddies with it for the rest of his life. The fists that held Mikado's skirt were also trembling, and the knuckles were turning white. Kida knew what Mikado felt, what he was trying to say: Mikado was scared.

Kida wanted to introduce his head to a cement surface in the most physically dashing way possible.

He had let Mikado fear that their relationship might dissolve into a bland history faded into friendship, that Kida might choose long hair and soft skin over short black hair and hands slightly coarse from frequent technology usage. _What an idiot I am_.

"Mikado."

Mikado pried his eyes off the floor to look at Kida.

"I want you."

Mikado's eyes widened.

And there should have been so much more excuses, explanations, anything to tell him that Kida just hit on girls so that he could glance back at Mikado's jealousy—which is visible by that telltale raised eyebrow—and that no girl could ever be better than Mikado and so on. Kida should have gathered Mikado in his arms and comforted him and told him _it's okay_ that Kida loved him even if nobody else approved and even if he can't kiss Mikado in public, and all Kida thought was that it's twice as thrilling this way. Kida should have told Mikado in his usual chatty way that he would love to sleep with Mikado but he was apprehensive about it a little, too—obviously they were both virgins—and he wanted to make sure Mikado wanted it also and all that crap.

But Kida didn't say or do any of it, but just looked at Mikado.

And that's all it took, because they were best friends for over half their lives. No garbled explanations and long tales were needed. Kida told Mikado enough. Kida wanted Mikado and Mikado only. Nobody else was needed. They were best friends and they were lovers and that was perfect enough.

"I want you too."

Mikado's voice was soft, soft as his hand that touched Kida's. His face had a tinge of red spread across his cheeks, and Kida found that, combined with tousled hair and a rumpled skirt, very arousing. Maybe today was a lucky day after all. The blonde hunter smirked as he intertwined fingers with Mikado and inched forward.

"You can fall off a building,"

Kida's breath ghosted over Mikado's lips.

"You can fall out a tree,"

Mikado's grip on Kida's hand tightened, encouraging the proximity.

"But baby,"

Kida's free hand cradled Mikado's jaw tenderly as he finished off in a whisper.

"The best way to fall is in love with me."

* * *

/These things are getting longer and longer... I'm sorry for the hazardous plot development today. So I'm going to try defend myself.

Yes, my OC was intentionally Mary Sue last time. I was making her act as "a girl Mikado can become jealous of easily" and I really didn't want to go into character development with her (I really try to have minimal OC influence in any of my fanfics) but she already has a very solid character in my head, so I decided to at least let her have a maniacal laugh in this episode before she disappears for good. She has some ninja qualities and hates Izaya. She's making sure Mikado and Kida don't start a gang war, so she is spying on them for now. That's about it, and I am pretty sure she's never gonna come out again (hopefully). I only added the Izaya scene to develop her character and also show why she helped Mikado.

About Mikado in here. Yes, very few lines and not much actions here. Sorry! It's just that I couldn't think of Mikado really pulling off an "I'm a girl!" act by himself for very long. So I gave him an assistant and very few lines and little time as a "girl" because Kida would find out really quickly (in my opinion). Too bad it didn't last longer...

So anyways, thank you for reading! I have a poll on my profile, and if you've read my work before (or if you're just curious) go to my profile and please vote! It's about a sequel to my previous works.

...And now the inevitable is coming... I am making a promise. It's going to be smutty next chapter. Stay tuned, folks. lol.


	4. Adoration

**Warnings: **A little swearing. And a decent amount of smut. A major amount of Failed!smut. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

**Disclaimer:** I haven't owned anything for the past 3 chapters. What did you expect?

* * *

In Ikebukuro and Raira Academy alike, Kida Masaomi was a (in)famous flirter who attempted to pick up every female he met. He was prone to making scandalous comments regarding sexual concepts everywhere he went, and he was recognized for his attitude and fervor used in "girl hunting." Thus, Kida was confident that everyone would think that the great and almighty Kida Masaomi was the equivalent of a sex god who lured every girl to his bed/room/home or wherever people thought he could do the deed. Of course, nobody really gave him credit or even hinted at such a reputation, but Kida Masaomi just had some delusions like that.

(and since such delusions could be accredited as harmless, really, what would be the point of telling him the truth?)

What nobody really knew was—or more like what nobody _cared _about was—the fact that Kida Masaomi was utterly and completely a virgin.

Although he had loudmouthed his way through crowds about his Incredible Hulk in his jeans or his grinding techniques—Mikado had really considered abandoning Kida that moment as he watched a girl pale at the pickup line—Kida was quite innocent, in a physical way. Sure, he had his own needs that he took care of through Internet sites or the rare magazines he had acquired, and he had the cutest boyfriend _ever_, so sex seemed like the obvious thing to happen in his life _pronto_.

The thing was, Kida Masaomi was very freaked out about the very idea of sex.

Yes, the apocalypse was approaching. He might as well convert to Islam and start preaching. But the truth was the truth: Kida Masaomi was scared to screw his boyfriend. In fact, he was scared because he didn't know who was going to screw who, at this rate. It seemed more natural for Kida to take control, since he was physically taller and he had the outgoing personality. Plus, he was the more romantically developed one—save the fact that he never got rid of the damn virgin label. But what people didn't know was that Mikado had a dominant side, filled with sarcasm and jibing comments and occasional smirks that sent shivers—both pleasant and unpleasant, depending on the smirk and situation—down Kida's back.

Honestly, Kida didn't mind whatever position he got when it came to Mikado. He could drag his friend around forever, but he also hung onto this best friend, his light, his love, with all his might every day in his life. Top and bottom were trivial matters in their relationship.

But that didn't change the fact that Kida was freaked out about sex.

Kida nervously fiddled with his pen. He glanced out the window to see two familiar figures on the field. His gaze softened as he saw Anri deliver a swift smash and Mikado stumble to reach his target, only to miserably fail. Really, Mikado was holding the badminton racket with both hands. Kida smiled.

And there went the bell.

Kida watched the class outside gather and cluster to avoid the heat and swarm back indoors. At the very back of the miniature crowd, bluish eyes blinked and met with golden ones. Mikado waved and Kida returned the favor. The brunette smirked (uh oh) and mouthed something shortly.

_Today, my place._

Yes, Kida was very freaked out.

* * *

"Ne, Masaomi. Do I need to buy a sex tutorial and have it delivered to you?"

Kida blanched at the very prospective. Although the insinuation behind those blunt words should have evoked an arousal, the very deadpan manner that the question was delivered in just was…well, a turnoff. Especially in the middle of a perfectly fine makeout session!

Kida voiced his exact thoughts to Mikado, who was currently on Kida's lap with his arms around the blonde's neck.

Mikado pointed out the fault of Kida's statement. "It's a perfectly fine makeout session except for the part that you don't want to go any further."

Kida didn't really have a comeback for that.

But damn it all, what kind of comeback was there for that in the first place? 'Oh sorry honey, I'll rip off your clothes and strip myself and we'll hump all the way to next week, satisfied?' Like hell he would do that.

Great. Now he had just killed the mood. Butchered it ruthlessly and dropped it into a dirt grave.

"I hope you know how to do CPR," was what Kida breathed out instead, fingers delicately trailing over the contours of Mikado's exposed chest.

The brunette's breath hitched. "Eh?"

"Because," Kida paused to nip on a pink bud, "you take my breath away."

Mikado bit back a moan and hissed indignantly. "Ma, Masaomi…! P-pickup lines….now?"

"Mmhmm. Might as well bury the mood since I tossed it into the grave."

"What are you talking ab—Ah!" Mikado's eyes widened. Did Kida just _bite_ him?

Yeah, he did. And Mikado wanted him to do it again.

It was working. At least for Kida, it was working. "It" being pickup-line-induced-confusion and distraction. Plus seduction. For some weird reason (that Kida intended to never find out), letting a pickup line roll off his tongue made everything easier. As if the tension would melt like ice in heat.

The really buttered up phrases seemed to be meant for usage in this scenario, and Kida didn't let any of them go to waste. He whispered them as he ran his tongue over Mikado's earlobe, murmured them into the flesh right below Mikado's bellybutton, spoke them to the inside of Mikado's ankles before delivering a chaste kiss to each of them. As long as he chose the decent lines and spoke them with his best husky voice (damn his throat was going to hurt tomorrow), he could avoid the wrath of Mikado's pen.

Kida leaned back to admire his boyfriend. Mikado was now wearing nothing except for boxers, and the way that his limbs were splayed upon the futon exposed pretty much every perfect inch of his skin. As he drank in the sight, Kida felt some emotion akin to guilt tug at the back of his mind; Mikado's flawless skin was beautiful, wonderful beyond words—but Kida, his torso was not so smoothly colored in. Scars marred his body in flecks and rips, dirtied him, marked him as a sinner—

"Masaomi?"

The sound of Mikado's voice brought Kida's mind back from the downward spiral, back to Mikado's room. Back to safety.

"Sorry, thought I was in heaven for a moment." Kida murmured.

While Mikado spluttered at the comment, Kida lowered his head to press a reverent kiss to the brunette's left inner thigh. He heard a sharp intake of breath but didn't bother to lift his eyes. Kida mouthed an incoherent phrase (_I love you_) against Mikado's flesh. When Mikado squirmed in response, Kida gave the white expanse of skin a slow, languid lick. He felt Mikado shudder at the contact.

Mikado gasped as Kida continued. "Not…fair!"

Either the comment was deliberately ignored, or simply missed. But the truth was trivial since Kida was tugging down the waistband of Mikado's boxers and his tongue felt so good and-_oh my god!_

Apparently, Mikado had verbalized the last part of his thoughts, because Kida was commenting appreciatively, "God is a little beyond me…How about Your Majesty?"

"Masao,mi… Shut up."

"Right away, sir!"

Kida's anxiety spell must have lifted, because the flaunty attitude was back. And that wasn't a good sign. Having a smirking Masaomi with your, er, dick in his hands was…the very idea was in a sense, quite terrifying. In another sense, it was a little arousing. Mikado glanced down to see Masaomi raise an eyebrow before giving Mikado's length a tentative lick. When the blonde saw Mikado's reaction, he smirked and without hesitation took in a satisfactory amount of the shaft into his mouth.

Mikado nearly screamed.

"''Oo ohay 'her?" Masaomi asked after Mikado's initial spasm.

"D-don't," Mikado summoned all the self-control he had to make sure he was talking in coherent Japanese, "talk with…it in your…mouth!"

So Kida stopped talking and started sucking. It wasn't as bad as he thought it would be, probably because watching Mikado writhe helplessly under his ministrations was spurring him on. Kida's self-confidence was growing. So was the bulge in his boxers.

Kida growled and slid Mikado's cock out of his mouth. Pre-cum slid down Kida's chin as the blonde crawled over to face Mikado directly. Blue eyes opened from a daze to look into lust-filled amber ones. For a few seconds, the two teenagers just stared at each other, etching every detail into memory and immortalizing the moment as much as possible. The memorization process didn't even pause in Mikado's mind as Kida slowly brought up a hand to cup Mikado's cheek. Mikado gazed into those honey orbs, and saw something that made his face blush.

Maybe it was utter admiration. Pure awe. Somewhat reverent, as if looking at something so damn holy. Like Mikado was the most beautiful thing in the world. Mikado searched and dug into his brain to place a word that described what was in that golden gaze. What could one possibly name the unadulterated love held in his boyfriend's-his _lover's_-eyes?

Perhaps, adoration would be a fitting word.

Kida slowly leaned in and kissed Mikado's lips, and underneath the rushing current of want and need and pure lust Mikado felt the urge to kiss Kida, kiss him until they were both out of breath. Kiss him so that the words could be passed from tongue to tongue and heart to heart. But Mikado didn't move and simply accepted the brief peck on the lips. He watched Kida pull away and saw a smile tug at his friend's mouth.

"If beauty were time, you'd be an eternity."

How the hell that one sentence, spoken with affection and breathlessness, just became the ultimate turn on was a mystery. The rest of the night was a jumble of limbs, tongue, begging, screaming, and sheer bliss. Somewhere along the way Kida made a shameless joke about him being Alice and Mikado's body being the Wonderland he wanted to explore. Not long after that Mikado was bucking his hips, gasping a hybrid of "Masaomi" and a completely incoherent word, pleading for release. Masaomi was eager to comply with any wishes, the uneasiness from the afternoon completely gone, and willing to experiment.

"Masaomii-! Th-there… Aahhn!" Mikado was tossing his head to left and right, unable to contain the churning in the pit of his stomach, the boiling in his abdomen that demanded for climax _right now_.

Damn, Mikado was very hot when he was begging with his face flushed like that. Kida took note of a few spots where the brunette seemed particularly sensitive. After all, they would come handy again soon enough. Apparently teenage hormones were infinitely superior over apprehensiveness and all that crap.

"Mikado…" Kida let out a low guttural groan.

Kida's voice during sex was definitely bad for Mikado's health. Somehow Kida's tone grew lower, huskier, and just too sexy when the blonde let hormones take charge. Mikado fought valiantly (and failed) to keep back a whimper at the sound of Kida's voice. This wasn't fair! Just hearing Kida utter a few sounds and words were making Mikado harder than ever. The sexiness was overriding the nonsense of any pickup lines that the blonde chanced to say, and Mikado knew that the lack of release was going to drive him nuts or Kida's voice was going to drive him over the edge before that. Whichever happened first.

"-Oi, Mikado." Kida managed to find coherency in between grunts and groans.

"What," was Mikado's reaction. He couldn't push anything else out except gasps and moans.

Unexpectedly, Kida lowered his head down right next to…Oh hell no.

"Like the sheets on your bed, I want to cover you with love." Kida dragged every single ounce of seduction into the lowest octave he could attempt, right next to Mikado's damn ear.

Mikado swore and came.

Kida laughed triumphantly before reaching his own climax. He then proceeded to wrap his arms around his weakly protesting boyfriend and relax for a few moments. Mikado had closed his eyes, breathing in and out slowly in an attempt to regain his breath. Kida watched, opening his mouth, and then closing it again. In favor of verbalizing what he wanted to say, Kida pressed a kiss to Mikado's temple, and mouthed the words once more.

I love you.

Strange, how cheesy pickup lines were so much easier to say than what he really meant. Then again, what he really meant were the things that were the hardest to say. It wasn't like he had never said it before, but the words were too intimate. More than the physical act of love-making. They were words that Kida cherished, and he couldn't vocalize it as much as he wanted to.

"Love you too."

But Mikado always understood. Kida smiled and replied.

"The night is young, the moon is bright, and you are here with me tonight."

Mikado knew what Kida meant.

_I love you._

* * *

_/ FAIL smut is FAIL. It was my first attempt at writing anything beyond the T rating. Ugh, I think I just lost my literary virginity...nvm. I lost it when I started reading Shizaya smut. _

_So I've been rambling a bit in this chapter...I wrote part of it last month and practically the entire smut part this month. Spot the differences in writing style?_

_I was going to end the chapter with "Mikado swore and came" but I the mush lover in me won out. I'm not sure how well I characterized Kida in this one. And everyone who wants to laugh with me, laugh at how quickly Kida changes his mind about sex during this chapter. Getting it on really must've changed his mind. lol. _

_That being said, I need to run! But here is some good/bad news. I'm starting a new KidaMikado fic, the sequel to my previous two oneshots, as soon as I end this fic. I plan to finish this fic at chapter six. Two more to go!_

_And as always, reviews are loved. _


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